I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
a search helicopter?!
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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