Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
