the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize