I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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