you would pick up someone in the library
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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