I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
