In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
