good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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