what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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