you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
