Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
