I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
