I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
