I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
