You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize