I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
