Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
