I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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