I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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