My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
