Cold hands, warm shart.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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