I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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