We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
