i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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