girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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