its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
