My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
