I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
