You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I've blown a few things in my day
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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