oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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