I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
