life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
