My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
