I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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