I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
