Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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