you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
