Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
