you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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