best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
