ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
