awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
