That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
