It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
