I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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