this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
