I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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