Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
