Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
