I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
