it hurts more in the daytime
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
