so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
