I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
