Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
