We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Boobs speak an international language.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
